Today I went to Castro dressed up in rags. I wore ripped sneakers, sweatpants and an old t-shirt, a dirty old military style jacket and a beanie. Lets call him Joe. There was something about this outfit that made me feel different. Inadequate. At first I was trying to do my best to keep on the character, I decided that Joe would be an introvert with self stem problems, and somehow I transformed into this other person. I didn't actually expected to feel like that, maybe the judgmental stares triggered these insecurities I had been trying so hard to bury in the past few years.
Actually stares are not the worse thing. Invisibility is also uncomfortable, the less they look at me the more I believe I am not worth to look at. It was a constant fight in between, "please don't look at me for a long time because I look like crap" and "Why aren't you acknowledging my existence?" As I was playing and eyeing people who walked pass and ignored me I realized I was caring too much for what they were doing so I started to focus my attention to my violin.
I played for a while until I lost track of time but it felt long enough. I was ready to leave, and as I started to pack my my violin I was thinking in what a waste of time that was. Not a reaction, no one tipped me, no one even looked at me, or that's how I felt. Suddenly a man yelled at me "Play 'Somewhere over the rainbow again!" I turned, smiled and obeyed. As I continued to play I realized that apparently I am not invisible. I finished the piece and the man talked to me from where he was "Thank you, that was beautiful" he said, "Thank you" I replied.
After this small conversation I felt inspired enough to play a little longer, also I figured if I played more music he would tip me. He didn't. He just nodded at me in a "I approve" type of way and continued on reading his book. Eventually I stopped, stuck my violin in my bag and walked away.
I looked back just once, hoping to see people looking at me in hope for me to come back and play or something. They didn't. It was as if I was never there.
When I am Joe and play in Castro I am worth $0 an hour
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